Life

I took my mom to the doctor the other day as a follow up for her heart condition. When we got there she started shaking like a leaf and even though the doctor told her she was fine she was still very scared. I asked her what was wrong and she could not pin point it, I figured she is still thinking she is going to have her heart give way on her and thinks she is going to die. I know we are all going to die but when you actually come face to face with death it must be a frightening experience regardless of how many times we say we are ready to meet the maker are we really. I remember when my Dad was in the hospital with a brain tumor I went to see him one day and he actually broke down and cried as I think he knew there was not much time left, I wonder if he was thinking did he do everything he wanted, my dad was very selfless and always did for others and put himself last did he get from life what he truly wanted or was there something one more thing he needed to do. My brother on the other hand was killed in an accident at the age of 17; he never even had time to contemplate what he wanted to do with his life, as a kid though you do tend to have more fun, no responsibilities and still carefree I hope that he had no regrets. Me I try not to think of it but then there are those days when I see my mom so fragile and afraid it frightens me too, what is out there, if I knew would I live my life differently, there are still things I want to do but how to do them is another story, life always seems to get in the way, I often get mad at myself for being responsible and doing the right thing, some times it is just fun to be wrong!

Do I want to do it all, sure I do but the reality is I won't so this is what I need to make peace with as do we all.